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Dec. 22nd, 2012

(no subject)

"yeah, you are beautiful..
       but you don't mean
a thing to me"

:(

Dec. 24th, 2009

nfg

So i am sitting here..just thinking. I am trying not to think basically. I am lonely. I feel lonely right now. I feel sad. Please god-tell me why you had to set it up like that? Why did you have to do that? Right in my face? I had to laugh, I had to smile, I had to pretend like it doesnt sting.. but why? Am i suppose to learn how to deal with it? Learn how to accept my place? Accept what is the ordeal?  It really isn't fair. I feel unjustified. I feel like everything isn't working in my favor. I have nothing that is really making me happy. (Aside from the givens: family, shelter, support..etc) I'm in a relationship where I feel like its losing its spark. I can't really trust the guy I'm with, and he can't do the same either. And it is both our faults. I am trying to fix it, trying to save it, but I just don't want too. I just don't have the energy to see something fall apart. I just wish that something was working for me. I just wish my parents would see my side of things instead of pushing the blame on me. 

There is so much more I am dying to say. But I just can't. I can't because it hurts. It hurts so bad. And as I rest tonight, I will surely twist and turn- just thinking of what I should not think about. I will feel the cold harsh slap of reality and what I need to forget. It sucks having to grow up, it sucks having to owe responsibility to yourself . I just wish someone could just show me that they care. And now just a 'care' when I ask for it- I mean a natural care.

But it seems like I have no one right now who could give me that.
Not in the way- I really need it anyways.

(no subject)

it hurts.
and im going to be okay.

everything happens for a reason right?

not the best way to start off the break, but i guess i learned my lesson.

Jul. 13th, 2009

fall ,fall ,fall

Feeling so much better about myself lately. My mind isn't so clouded, and I said all I had to say.
I think this is a new beginning. Finally. Now I'm listening to my music and relaxing. I

I honestly, think that- I dont wan't anything more.

Jul. 10th, 2009

no

Lately I'm into circuitry:
what it means to be made of you
but not enough of you

barely

So he said, "Would it be all right
If we just sat and talked for a little while
If in exchange for your time
I give you this smile?"


So she said, "That's okay
As long as you can make a promise
Not to break my little heart
Or leave me all alone in the summer."

Jul. 8th, 2009

(no subject)

she picked me up on Friday.
asked me if she reminded me of you.
i just laughed and lit a cigarette,
said, "that's impossible to do."

Jul. 6th, 2009

help.

Well, it is a day after. And today is a new day. My sleep yesterday began after 4am, and to be honest, it was one of the worst.
I know that I tend to rant on and on about things that I find annoying or painful, but this entry is not going to be one of them.

For the first time, my heart actually hurt. It's hard to explain what a feeling that is, it was not like the usual heart-burn or beating heart, this was a physical feeling of being cut open and ripped out. Never in my life would I believe that emotion could bring your body to that state, but now I know. 8 hours later, the pain still stayed. I tossed around my bed, trying to think or just trying to shut off my mind- but needless to say, it was a failed attempt. I couldn't explain how I felt. I felt alone, I felt angered, I felt empty. I don't like arguing or trying to make drama, but sometimes I just wish I had a break, you know? Sometimes I just want to be treated fairly, and given the benefit that I am not doing anything wrong.

Maybe if it was like that then I wouldn't always be upset in and out, or annoyed. Or maybe not, I'm not sure.  I just want to not always feel like I'm this horrible person who can't feel slightly bad for myself or do anything for my self. I know that sometimes you have to do whats best in order to make someone else happy, but does that mean that I can't cry about what I lost? Or that I can't regret not taking a chance? I don't even know.

I remember waiting for some comfort, for a text , for another phone call- just asking if maybe I was okay, or that it was okay to not always have to feel bad about everything I feel. But I never got any. So I fell asleep waiting for some understanding from anyone. I fell asleep with my phone off the charger and next to me in bed- hoping that maybe my night didn't have to end off the way it did. But sadly, it did. And all i woke up to was an alarm at 10am, and red puffy eyes the size of quarters.

I'm not sure if I need anyone right now. Maybe what my mom said yesterday night before I went out was right. Maybe I don't want a relationship since I'm always angry and mean. I didn't really think about it till me and nicole talked, and then I realized, that maybe this isn't the right time to try and have love or to continue a love. Maybe I reallly need to figure myself out, since I don't even know what I am.  Half of me knows what I have is good, that I am in love with someone amazing and  i want it all. But the other half knows that I would only be doing so because I know I would hurt someone badly if I didnt stay. Half of me wants things to be more clear, more stable, more easy. My heart wants him and so I stay with him, that's clear to me- I know that already, but then why do I get upset now? Why am I angry? Why am I never calm or simple? And I know that the answer is not the other guy, he has nothing to do with that. Because in the end, it's all because of me. I don't know who I am, and what i've done. So far all I'm getting from by the people who I care about a lot is that I'm either: A.) A slut/whore  and B.) a cheater, someone who is selfish and can't be trusted.

But I KNOW, I'm not just all that. I know I'm not. So as I'm sitting here typing this,  I am confirming that I am growing crazy, I am constantly on the verge of crying, my heart hurts, its beating so fast, and my thoughts are racey. and ALL I want right now is compassion, all I want now is love and comfort, ALL i need now is not to feel like I am all to blame.

That I am someone who breaks everything she has.

(no subject)

why is saying all this so hard to do? It's like a rock caught in my throat, it hurts to try to loosen my neck. 

Its 1:37 am, I am crying. I am breathing slowly, and I am hurting. My brain is muffled, and my eyes are swollen. And tonight I picked July 5th/6th, to say what I needed to say for 5 years. Today I decided to break my heart again.

Well, so the fortune said: "Take the chance while you still have the choice"..and it really made me think. I didn't take the choice, I don't regret it, but tonight I decided to take the chance on being honest, of going out there and putting my heart out- I took the chance to be rejected by someone who's meant so much to me.

And it's okay. It hurt to spit out the words, to type out the sentences that I know was going to break me apart. And I did it. Finally. Well, again I guess. But this time, I'm getting answers, and now I want to throw up. I feel sick, I feel so physically sick, because it hurts. Because this isnt a love story, this isn't a happy ending, this is a closure, this is a good-bye. This is the final chapter to what Megan had wanted for so long.

This is megan's last hope, megan's last wish, megan's last glance. And I did it. I said it. The words I wanted to say for so long, : "Why not me?"

And the response back wasn't anything new, it wasn't a light of hope or happiness, it was a dim flick, nothing to be kept, nothing to be admired. I'm not surprised, nor am I upset with the result, I wasn't really expecting anything. I just wanted an answer from him, himself. I just wanted an understanding. And I have it. And now I must accept it. But do I hold some regret? Yes, i think its fair to say that, but everything happens for a reason. And for some reason today, I said what I always wanted to say, I cleared the air, I spoke from my heart. And yes, I set myself up for disaster, I broke my heart again. He broke it again.

And so, thus it was an ending, a closure, something that never will be. I'm in a better relationship now, but there are things I know I wouldn't have done, things I wouldn't do had it been different. And that's not a bad thing. It's just a little change, thats all. I feel imcomplete, but some what new. Except for the fact that my eyes burn. I just need compassion, I need forgiveness. Everything hurts, everything I've done hurts me. I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to go crazy. I just keep growing angrier each day. Would it have been different? Who knows.

It's time for something different. I need to let it go, I had my time, my chance,and I said no. And i dont regret it, but it hurts, I'm not going to lie, it burns and stings, and now I am crying and crying while on the phone, trying to find some comfort, trying to find some compassion in the mess I have made. Why does it hurt so bad.

Jun. 28th, 2009

Motivation quote

"There is an inner beauty about a woman who believes in herself, who knows she is capable of anything that she puts her mind to. There is a beauty in the strength and determination of a woman who follows her own path, who isn't thrown off by obstacles along the way. There is a beauty about a woman whose confidence comes from experiences; who knows she can fall, pick herself up, and move on."

Jun. 26th, 2009

help

So I am laying here in my bed trying to think. I just found out some news that I have been waiting to hear/never wanted to hear.
Well, for starters- let me begin this with a question: What do you do when the one opportunity you've been waiting for is right in front of your face right now?

I'm at a cross-road right now. I don't know what to do. And each minute of knowing this- only makes it worse. I've been waiting to hear this, and when I did- i started to tear up. Now minutes later- I try to re-gather up my thoughts and figure out what to do. Should I be selfish and just go ahead? Or should I reconsider it, and not do it. What to do. I

Well lets weigh out the pros and cons.

Pros: If I do- I'll be happy, I know that. I know that I can finally get what I want. I know that I can bring change to something thats so broken. I'll finally be able to stop crying and regret what I've never done. It would all be worth it. Everything that I've gone though would have been worth it.

Cons: If i dont- I'll be happy/sad. I know that I will be in something stable and non the less full of happiness and security. I will always regret.


So I guess I'm stuck again. Like always, I've made mistakes- but if I do this- will it be considered a mistake? Or maybe just a good decision?

Jun. 16th, 2009

my love.

I wanna tell you how much I love you.

Okay sorry about that, lyric moment to the song I'm listening too.   My mood is blank, I'm not upset nor happy. I'm just here. I guess it's probably due to my tired mind and sore feet, but who knows. I've been in and out, mentally-that is. I feel like I'm not doing enough in my life to be completely satisfied. I want so badly to travel or do something, but all I do is work. And even though a paycheck is nice, I feel that just adventure would be better. Well, we'll see.

Another problem bothering me later is that I DONT know what I want for my future. I know for a fact that I am not pleased with my major. I don't want to be in business, I dont want to be an accountant. All I want to do is write, or read, or influence. But handling people's money and sitting in a cubicle 9-5, just isn't me. What do you do when you have no way out?-No light or path to follow?

Sigh.  Well here I am, trying to think. Or at least- trying to breathe. I don't want to write out how I feel or what's on my mind right now. It's better off not repeated or said. It's not relevant to who I am now and what I have to do. It's only going to break me down piece by piece.

Jun. 7th, 2009

Cleo. I love you always.

So I am posting yet another entry for my unvisited 'blog'. Well, where should I begin? How should I find the right words to sum up my feelings? I guess this shall be a start: my eyes are of a red-pink shade lined with a crust of dry tear residue. Hmm, not too appealing- come to think of it. But none the less, it is the truth. My face is flushed, and my heart is in pain. I cannot speak at this moment because I fear that I will blurt out a sentence of rambling verbs and adjectives. 
      It is no wonder I am in this state. I, of course, set myself up for this. I normally never go on impulse, and the one time I did- I ended up hurting. Typically, I would think of the 'other' in the situation, but for some reason- this time, I didn't. I didn't account the feelings and the future for the 'other'. So- I was selfish. It's okay to be selfish right? I mean, I wasn't being abusive or neglectful. I was giving love and affection. I provided shelter and security, didn't I? So- I guess it's okay.

Well, Megan: bad news, it's not. Here I am, self-pitying myself while the poor creature is alone and abandoned in a shelter. But a no-kill shelter- at least. According to Stephen, she is at a very loving and providing place. The offices will notify us when she is adopted. But all this- does not make me feel better. It just hurts more. I shouldn't have put her in that situation. Moving her here and there, new home to new home. it's just not right. I'm not sure what else to say on this topic. My mind hurts from the concept of it, and now knowing the truth- it just burns.

I feel as if it was just a few days ago, Stephen and I walked into Petco on a 'spontaneous' decision to just 'check it out', maybe buy a fish. Who would have thought- that we would leave that store with a kitty. A beautiful kitty for that matter. I walked through the automatic doors to a rush of rabbit pellets to dog treats shaped like cookies. The rows of aisles containing dog care products and cat litter lined the outer edges of the store. It was as if my feet already knew which way to go. We walked quickly towards the large animal cages only to find sleeping cats, nuzzled up next to eachother. Some were cleaning their paws, while others were waiting patiently for their next owner. A smiled cracked along the cement path paved across my mouth, and I leaped towards the ring circle of adoptable kitties. I didn't know what to do! I wanted them all, I wanted to give them a happy home. I knew I was a good owner, I knew I could provide a happy life. Just because the reality is that I'm only 18 and in college- doesn't mean that I can't take care of another life. I know I can. Stephen asked the shelter woman the age limit and requirements to adopt a cat, and as he opened his mouth to speak- i already knew the answer. We were not qualflied. We both knew this, every website and shelter already said so. We weren't considered trustworthy to care for a creature. I tried to hide my face from shame of being turned down from yet another place, but as I inched towards the aisle of hamster toys and fish tanks, the woman said: 18. I couldn't believe it. My heart stopped. My throat choked up. My hope was now a reality. What would we do now? This question buzzed around in my brain and dived off my tongue when I turned towards Stephen. We both smiled. This was it. Our chance. We told the woman that we would think about it, we took a quick track walk around the store, and debated on what to do. For the one time only- I did'nt even think of the consequences, I just wanted this so badly. I already knew we wouldn't torture the baby kitty, but I also knew that we might not be able to provide it a permanent home. I knew that eventually, I would have to tell the kitty good-bye.

"Lets just do it". These words were the only thing that my ears wanted to hear. I dropped the head-strong front of mine, and slow jogged to the woman. She showed me the options of the kitties,and their stories. All were sad, all were painful. I didn't know which one I wanted, till I turned towards her. "This is socks", the woman said. My eyes fixated on this cute black and white creature in the 4 by 4 cage. She was cleaning her fur, that is- untill the woman opened the cage and let me hold her. I felt my heart stop. I wanted her right away. She was delicate, soft and cuddly. She was what I needed. I was so lonely in Buffalo. I wanted a companion  to have when Stephen was away or busy. Someone to listen to listen to me or just to cuddle with while I watch Vh1. "I like her, I want her", these words slipped out of my mouth like a waterfall. She handed Stephen the paperwork, and handed me a folder of coupons and information. I grabbed a shopping cart and loaded up on the needs for this kitty. I smiled so much. And then realized how awkward that must be for the other customers because I was smiling while looking for cat litter. I would have paid whatever price for her. I would have returned everthing I had bought from the mall for her needs. At that poinr of time- nothing mattered. No materialistic item I wanted from Forever 21 or from some exspensive store mattered to me. In some ways- this was the moment where I felt that I found something that made me think of someone else- other than myself.

She was placed in a cardboard box that somewhat resembled that of the "Build-a-Bear Workshop"'s logo box. You know? The huge box that is used to "carry" your $30 8 inch teddy bear to its new home. Awkward concept I know. We went to the register and purchased our items, we did not have a Petco card, but the cashier allowed us to use some random ladies card. Talk about kindness. The littlest things matter sometimes. The weather was chilly, it was a cloudy day. I'm pretty sure that it was about 4 3o pm. Well regardless of the time, I was so happy. We drove back to the Villas, all happy. We thought up of names for her and the idea that we just adopted a cat while waiting at stop-lights. I couldn't believe it. This is what i wanted so badly, and I got it.  But as each light turned green, and as the conversation faded, I knew that it wasn't going to be happy for a long time.

Deep down inside- I knew that I should be ashamed of myself for what we just did.

May. 30th, 2009

old poem i wrote, pack of 24

7th birthday, oh what a joy.
a box of 24 crayons, given to a boy.
a box of paper, not to thin or thick
a ..2 lead, his new writing stick.
a freshly drawn sun on the top upper left
orange rays of sunlight drawn with perfect deft.
and his mother applauded as if all hearts could hear
her son, oh loving pride, lived life so sincere
little tyler gazed up but the stars seemed to fade
too bad, years later,his crayon turned to a blade
and at night he would cry because that sun would never shine
tyler was nothing, so all he wrote was just an empty line.
his box of 24 turned to a pack of cigarettes
he'd stare at the sky, watching endless sunsets
yet somehow when the day was all done and gone
his picture of that sun, was like the drug he was on.
name-less was he, for he forgot to write his name
lost all his crayons, now his blade is his shame.
poor little
tyler, for what became of the boy?
lifelessness of his happiness killed mother's pride & joy.

-megan eberhardt

and yet another excerpt from my- to-be book

  My theory is that the world is just an illusion. I believe that the world doesn’t exist, because we the people make up what is the “world”. We make up love, happiness, sorrow, pain, and death. We make up these illusions, these false images, these unrecognizable emotions that make up the atmosphere. If you cut me, I bleed. I see blood, but I have the power to not feel it. I have the power to live as if this interruption is just imagery. I have the power to mend a broken heart that has been broken by feelings not wanted. But why does it seem like none of us have the power to heal such simple things, such hurtful emotions? Why does it seem like the world revolves around this constant need of money and greed. The slaughter of lives and animals increasing each day, just to satisfy the people. And what about religion? What about the faith in the Lord almighty? I have questioned my faith so many times, that I believe that God must be tired of me. He must feel powerless to help me believe, and I feel ashamed of myself. I have cried over moments in which now reflecting on them- I see as wasted tears. I try to meditate to somewhat refresh my memory of such unwanted desires, of such unneeded feelings. My faith in the worldwide belief in God is so old and so torn, that I do not believe that I deserve a second chance to be a catholic.

I guess an excerpt of my book-to-be ..hahaha

I wonder how it feels to be skinny. You know “skinny” as in not having to stare in the mirror for a good 40 minutes deciding whether or not your jeans look nice. Or having to actually say and mean, “I just threw these clothes on 5 minutes before I left my house”

I really wish I could go back in time and somehow stop myself from ingesting all those French fries and pizza bagels. I just wish I could have made myself look in the mirror and exercised for 30 minutes each day. Oh how I regret those things I did. But what is regret? But a simple feeling of pity and pain that we put upon ourselves each and everyday. Regret is the everlasting thought that you made a mistake and cannot do anything in your power to fix it. I, Megan Eberhardt hold in so much regret and sorrow, that I’ve become accustomed to the lifestyle that I live everyday.

            First let me say, that I am no hero, I am not a great writer; but I can promise that I do speak from the heart. And I believe that no matter what type of person you are, if you just believe in your heart then you are the greatest person in the world. Please mind some of the things I say, they might seem “lame” and “stupid” but it’s all from my heart, kids.

Well let’s start from when I was in about kindergarden; I met my best friend that year.

I met Merari. Merari was probably one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met in my life so far. She was the type of person who didn’t care about what was new in the clothing styles, or who were the popular people. She only cared about having fun; she only cared about our friendship. It’s pretty funny, how I sit here at my desk sometimes and just think of her. And how it’s very sad to know that no matter how long I’ve been missing her, I’ll probably never see her again. Now Merari was like no one else, she made me feel like: I WAS THE LEADER OF OUR GROUP! That made me happy, of course –it would make anyone happy also. We spent our days kidding around with each other and just appreciating the little things we had to offer. I can truly say with all my heart, that she was my real best friend. Of course, now I have many best friends whom I care about a lot, but I’ve also lost friends who I considered the best. Merari left me and our friendship with no hatred, no drama, just sorrow. For our friendship was like the wind, breezy and beautiful, but like a flash of lightening- it was gone. Merari is the reason for why I am so creative, and why I appreciate simple things. I don’t need a lot of money to have fun, and I certainly don’t need to expect great gifts from friends for special occasions. The only thing I look for in every friendship I have with anyone, is what Merari offered me; she offered me pure happiness. Merari moved in 6th grade, our 6year friendship died the day she left New York. Sadly, that friendship has no hope to ever come back again. Of course I have tried to keep contact with her- but after 4years of not seeing or hearing from her, I feel like it is time to let go. Merari, if you ever do read this by some strange, amazing, twist of fate- know that I miss you so much, always have.

poem i wrote 3 years ago, hahah

Do I walk alone in these dark hallways?

Do my feet trip over every little step

Or must I bare this broken hearted sonnet

Till my heart has finally wept.

My words, they stab like razor nails

My tongue it burns so much

For my pity of loving you is so self-reassured

My hands linger for your touch.

The sun it shines but only for you

And the moon, it sparkles in the sea

For my love is so unbelievably false

That my heart screams for it to be free

Can it be that I hate myself so much?

That I cannot bear to look at your eyes

For the crystal blue it reflects my life

That my heart cant silence its cries

I dare not to punish myself in an act of self pity

But am I wrong for wanting to die?

For why live this lonely life on some darkened road

When all I have left to say is goodbye

You do not see me the way I see you

And you never will

For my heart is surly about to burst

From your aim to flirt then kill

The skies they burn of amber colors

And the trees, they weep of sorrow

But what is the point in smiling to the clouds

When my eyes do not wish to see tomorrow

I have loved you with all my heart

Even though you do not feel the same way

My footsteps they fade like the dust on the floor

And you know that I would take you back, any day.

My heart it breaks every single second

And my words –they fall apart

Your absence it stains me against the glass

When all you’re done is steal my heart

Lover if you do not wish to see me again

If you feel like I am not good

Then it’s understandable of you to keep me away

It’s not like anyone else would.

 

-Megan eberhardt. 2:01 am   8/10/06


May. 27th, 2009

(no subject)

I woke up a lot earlier then planned, but whatever. I am very tired, and my minds is clouded up to the brim. It's chilly today, and my tummy is unusually quiet for once. Today is not so bad. The day after is always hard, but I'm taking this easy. Once its over, its over, right? I don't plan on going back, just because- what's the point? You only get further away. So here it is, my positive side: summer 2009! woo... I guess now, Ill have more time to see my friends and to work. That's not so bad. Yeah, its not. At this point yeah, I realized- I suck. I made a naive decision by leaving New Paltz. I mean, that was my FUTURE. And what not ? It seems like im trapped at UB for good, a school thats hollow and false inside and out. Or maybe: I am the one who is. Then again: I'm pretty sure that UB is not the school for me. The individuality and creative freedom that I yearn is not at UB, but maybe it was there all-along in New Paltz. Maybe Ashley was right, " I never gave New Paltz a chance". Well to be honest, I didn't either. I let the blind side of love take over. I left behind friends, a home, and memories. I left behind people who I was close too, find friendship in. I left behind what I wanted me to have during college. And what do I have now? Nothing.

My decision was half -thought out, I should have completely thought about it. I mean, I don't regret it- no, I worked hard to go to UB. But I never thought about what would happen to me once I didn't have a boyfriend. In New Paltz, I had options, but I didn't bother to invest my time or friendship into them. At buffalo, I am a no-body, a number, a short girl in the crowd. No one cares of my where-abouts, or name, or age. No one cares about my personality. I guess- I should be more social now. I probably will. I am a very nice and talk-able person. I guess ill have to start drinking or smoking since thats all everyone does at UB. But I don't know. I did give those up.

Ashley is so lucky, she gets to go to London for study abroad. If only, I had stayed in New Paltz, my parents said I would have been able to go also. I probably would have gotten into the program too.  I've always wanted to go to London, so much. If only.

Maybe I'm just sick with jealousy right now. Maybe I am not being grateful for what I have. Or just maybe, it doesn't matter anymore.
What can you do? There is no going back, once you make a decision, its usually set-in-stone. But all- I know, is that today is my day off from work, the only one I have till sunday, then I work all next week too. So I guess I'll be busy anyways to socialize, or maybe not. I'm not sure what to do now, or even how to feel. Am I suppose to feel sad? Or mad?- Because I don't.

It was good while it was good, thats really it. And near the end, it was turning sour and fake. It's better off where it was let go.
Anywho, I guess now, I'll have to do something to keep my mind a stray. Gym then what? I guess I'll go out or something.

2009

Sometimes its better to leave things off when you know that their broken. The process of mending can do more damage than what was there before.

post#3

My response back : Actually no I don't, nor want too.

I guess all my entries are in double speak. You can decode it and scramble up the letters so they come out to what you want them to mean. Don't worry- I'll agree with you.

post #2

I can truly say that playing dumb is very simple. Okay well, I guess that it'll only get easier from this point on.
I'm glad to know that all that it takes to make anyone happy is just pretending that everything is okay.

Well why the hell did I waste all my time bothering to use my mind? ha

so

So it is concluded: I have no love, i have no one. I am but another form of skin held up by twists and turns of bones. I am nothing more than a meaningless life, or more so- an empty room. I offer no value or personal gain in the purchase of me, so therefore: buyers beware. My eyes seem heavy tonight, as well as my mind. But isn't that always? I wish that this entry could somehow attach a file of this weight on screen, but if only technology was that updated. Anywho, it is decided upon the court- that I am alone. Alone in every sense of the word. I have no 'friend' to rely on, no 'friend' to talk too for laughter or conversation. My words are false and has no heart or merit in them. I speak in terms that cannot make sense to their ears. I also have: too many problems for one person to deal with.

The more the reason to be alone completely.
If only it were possible, to be my own cure, my own savior, friend. If only I could tell my worrisome mind that its okay. That its not worth thinking about or wishing things were different- that everything you did was good enough. But even now, I have no one that is willing to take that place. To take up that opportunity. That's all I really want. I just want someone whos going to love me more and more each day, who will accept my flaws and mistakes- because being with me is enough. Why can't I find this? Why do I find people who love me one day and then days later- I am someone of little interest, or someone who they love. I am not that someone. They always build up this false person of who I am, and I'm not it. I'm not funny, or smart, or witty, or charming, or whatever other word I am always paired with. I'm not a good person. I have no respect for myself, and always chalk it up to excuses. It is what it is basically. And I am patiently waiting for the day to come where my mistakes will cost me. I am waiting for my consequence. The ultimate one, that is.

It is sad isnt it? Here I am, freezing in my bed typing away whats in my mind. And still, all it comes across as is self-pity and teenage angst. But in reality- it's not that. I am on the verge of exploding, my mind has little blood flow- and I'm just about to scream.
I don't want to talk about my feelings, because I already know that no one gives a damn.
AND might I add that its amazing, the one time I do try to 'be more open' -- I get shut down.
Well, now I know. It's better to just keep my mouth shut, and play the parrot that I am, that I know I can be.

It's amazing, to think that I found secuirty and comfort. Well i guess I already knew that was a joke, I am naive. Well cheers! to another night of crying, another night of lying, and another night of pretending that I have all the love in the world. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow...

I'm hoping that I don't have to write SARCASM in bold next to that. Or maybe I do, I'm not too funny either.

May. 23rd, 2009

(no subject)

sometimes i wish i had the strength to just do it.
so then i wouldn't have to think, or avoid the subject or have to talk about it
then i wouldnt have to explain something i cant.

sometimes i wish i could just end it, so then nothing would hurt.

May. 15th, 2009

in my sorrrrrry heart

Good morning. It's 10:3o about. I'm tired, and for some reason my stomach and body hurts. How can everything hurt today?
I don't really think i want to think today, so altogether, this entry will be somewhat short...i think? I have to get ready for the gym also, so all the reason to write very briefly or vaguely for that matter.
   
i'm okay today, i think? I just want to do something with my life.  I haven't figured out what yet, but something. I want to be something to someone, and hopefully- that will happen sooner than I think. growlllllllllllllllllllllll...my stomach is killing. It was horrible last night at like 3:41, I kept waking up because someone's car alarm kept going offf ! It was so annoying!

Well, I'm hungryyyy.

May. 13th, 2009

So what now?

What slight chance of change did I have in mind when I walked out my door? Did I really think that it was going to be different? Of course not, I'm not that dumb. But as I'm sitting here at my laptop with my hair tied back in a tight-lock pony tail, I'm starting to recollect on what happened. Well, for beginners, it goes to show: that its never a good decision to see someone that you know deep inside is beyond help. And I guess in some odd way, that applies to me as well. Meaning: maybe I am beyond help, and even maybe: I might be the one who's changed. What I'm trying to say is that to me it makes no sense, how you can know someone for such a long time, and then all of a sudden- its DIFFERENT. And not different as in new music that they listen too, or what foods they eat- I'm talking about personality different. For a majority of my life, I've seen friends come and go, I've never completely re-evaluated what that specfic friend has given to my life, nor can I assume that they have as well. And therefore I feel that I am only doing what I should have done so many years ago, and figure this out. But the main problem: How can you fix what you know is not in your control? And of course, my to-the-point solution is that its not. I can't fix it. I can wrap my mind around its edges and try to somehow mend its bruises, but in the end: it seems almost impossible. So then, heres my second question: What do you do when you know that by walking away you feel guilty? And again to be annoying- I have no solution. I have no answer, and thus: here I am writing out my blurred-scrammbled thoughts; almost hoping that by doing so- a quick and simple solution to my worrisome problems will appear. It seems like I am desperately waiting for someone to help..but I truly am doing this: then why am I so reluctent to help myself? Since when did I place others before myself? And to redeem myself, I think I may actually know this one: a ha! Of course: little miss megan is too afraid to figure out herself. She's not willing to go beyond the wounds and stitich up the open skin. Of course, it all makes sense. Too bad little miss megan forgot that you can't fix anyone else until you fix yourself. But then again: thats just a saying, and I'm pretty sure that not all 'sayings' are quite true. [Minus mine of course.]
   
      So now what? What do I do? Can writing really reason this problem's logic to me? I'm going to sway towards the "No" part on this one, but I will be naive and "hope" that good will come. I don't want to lose another person in my life, because I'm slowly starting to believe that maybe I'm not AS important as I use to be. And maybe my friends don't see the 'megan' they knew. Maybe: I AM, the one who changed. I don't know, logic doesn't make sense. But how can almost everyone I know just turn away? Well, hell- I guess I can be the optomist, and say "to hell with them!" but I know that -that won't do. It will still hurt when I let my ever-constant-non-stop-happy- mind shut down. Eventually, it all comes back.
    Aside from this issue thats worrying my feeble mind, I have others. Others that are more hurtful. Other problems that no matter how much writing or talking about it you do- it will never give in. Basically, call it my other half. I'm stuck with it for life. And with that- I must admitt, that at times when my 'other half' comes to live, I feel almost nothing, I feel no reason to keep walking. I find it that I am not content nor sad in the pace that I'm walking at. And remainly due to the fact that I don't want to go any faster in fear that it will become all of me, in fear that it will control me- as it had once in my life. I promised and compromised with myself so many times: that it will not get bad or happen again, but of course: Call me naive and not serious enough, I never kept my promise.

Maybe I can't keep promises afterall. Maybe I'm not such a great friend or person, even a girlfriend for that matter. Thinking it all out now, it seems like 85% of the time, I make all those in MY household more upset and angry while I'm in their prescence. And for that: I just wish that I wouldn't be a problem anymore. I guess this is my weak-venting-complaining side of me. Another one, I dare not want in control. But none-the-less, I guess the only way to not want to let either win, is to write. But in reality, what would writing do? I have written many many pages, and poems and journals of my thoughts and my feelings: but what have they done? They only encouraged me to become a writer, or something. I wish I could. I would be so happy, if I knew that was going to be my future. But for now, my future seems dim, like a fading out light in a latern, my future is nothing more than a 9-5 job, in a 4 by 4 cubicle everyday of the week. It sounds so thrilling, the idea of it: Ic can see it now: A criss-cross hair bun, matched with a button down black jacket paired up with long wide-leg pants. Sounds like the perfect outfit for me...Sarcasm is my aim in that sentence, hopefully you got it. Well, I guess- its okay, I'm hoping the future doesn't come, since I can't see any good in it. I feel like I have changed, and that is - into the worse. My actions will plague all those I know, and they too will become infected by my hurtful actions. I will change all those I know, and again: I don't think it will be for the good.

 I miss having friends, and laughing. I miss being completely happy rather than having to pretend or be happy for 10 mins and then have to think or deal with this and that. I miss new paltz, and sometimes I wonder why did I leave. Sometimes I wish I could go back, and just fix what I did wrong. I just want another chance to do it all again. Because then I would know what to do right, I would do things FOR me, I would have friends, and never be lonely when the only person I know in buffalo is busy. I'd have a life, or perhaps even a different life. Hell, maybe this entry would never have been written, and I wouldn't have to deal with this all. I don't know. I don't know. Why am I not happy anymore? Why can I see no solution to any of this? This hurt isn't because of anyone, but only myself.  I am ruining myself. And thus, it makes sense to be alone then spread it to the only ones I have left.

So, it all makes sense now. Well for now at least, maybe once you change, theres no going back. Maybe. I guess this whole entry is just rambling. I don't know. Half of me hopes that this will make me feel better, and half of me KNOWS it wont. It's funny, isnt it? We worry so much on materials items such as money and clothes, but we never really worry about what we do to others. When did it become okay for me to push back my faults, and actions? When did it become reasonable to compromise who I am to do something thats not me? I don't know, but its obvious at this point: Stay away from me. Because it seems like I'll break you down and ruin you like I have done to myself.

Maybe leaving New Paltz was a good idea after-all, I do- know a lot of people there. A lot of good-hearted people. Yeah, it was a good idea after-all.. I guess.

May. 11th, 2009

leave or stay

I've been working and working out. It's been okay. I miss cleo. I just feel i dont know, empty? no, wrong word: bored? . Yeah, that's it. BORED. It's okay, but megan I just need you to know that you need to stop, and don't do it and this, because it will hurt. It'll be come back as karma, and you'll get hurt again.  Of course none of you know what I'm talking about, but this is not the first. Call me naive, or a fool, probably more-so: dumb.

Okay, well I'm dumb. Figures. I speak so proudly about being independent and strong, and smart: but here I am.

Weak.

Mar. 30th, 2009

(no subject)

Don’t get caught up in mid feeling off course of day
You can take a minute before you go slipping away
I know I took some time but I realized my mistake
You don’t have to be part of the problem
I just need a second chance
I need your loving arms at night, but it never hurt this much
You don’t have to be part of the problem
I just need a second chance

Mar. 27th, 2009

(no subject)

It's beautiful outside! The weather is finally a perfect shade of pleasant, and I cannot find one thing to complain about it. My stomach and mind is better. This past week was rough, I finally took two exams that scared me out to death for the past 2 weeks. And right after, I got sick! Do you believe that?! I know, I was puking and had a fever..bla bla bla. The whole deal. But now I am better, partially because of the gorgeous weather. It's about 50 degrees out here in Buffalo, which is a surprise, because it's always cloudy and cold here. Well, not today! Not on this friday! Anyways, not much has been going on. Been working, studying, crying. The usual. Well not to the extent as it might have been. But working on it. No more food issues really. I don't care anymore. Well I do. Alot. But for now, it's a working progress. I got my hair cut, and it is now short for the spring season! and...dare I say??? ......yes! Blonde?!! Well, not to that that extent, but I do have some blonde highlights to show. Life is okay. Hopefully my dad will get a job soon, I know that -that would take a lot of stress off, but I don't know. I tend to get worried a lot about that. I need to stop spending money myself, but uhh..eventually :) . Anyways, Stephen and I are going good. At least, I hope so. I get scared now and then, that he's starting to care less, or love me less. But I don't know if thats because I'm being paranoid or just annoying. I mean, I guess I do deserve him to act like that to me anyways. I don't know. He seems diffferent towards me sometimes. I can't say little things or sometimes, do little things. My  whole life is now open to him, which I don't mind. But I'm not hiding anything. I feel like he is. But I don't know. I'm sure he's not. He wouldn't, and I know that. I'm just being paranoid again. Anyways, we are going good. Our 8month is April 8th! and I (as well as Stephen) are very excited ! I'm not sure on what we will be doing, but it will probably be simple. Hmm, what else to say? Well, I have a paper to write, and I gotta go to the gym, but well- thats it for now! My life is boring. And this is nonsense talking!

cyalater aligator!



Mar. 21st, 2009

(no subject)

M
E
G
A
N

 --------> I am better. I am happy. I am new.
I am trying. I am thinking. I am being.

Mar. 16th, 2009

(no subject)

I know I've done some bad
and I know I've done some goood

but that was past
past
that is over
and this is now.


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